paracosmic_gt

Who do you want to be in love? And how would someone who has been loved by you describe you?

I know who I want to be, I think.

My first ideas were to change or model myself off someone else. I want to be like Rylie, like Jewe, like you. But it doesn’t work when I do that, the way I do that. Mimicking and copying their actions and words and practically turning into them, a perfect chameleon. I speak and I feel that it is their words in my mouth. That doesn’t work, because that truly isn’t what people want of me now. They want me, not a mirror, not a yes-them, but me as I am. That scares me on a deep and intense level. They want me as I am. Do I even know what that is anymore?

I'm trying to imagine how I want me to be. Sometimes when i start feeling confident I start becoming dissociated, sometimes the feelings are so intense I lose grip on how one could contain it all. I question if I am one, if someone is blurring, if I am really myself. I am made of multitudes and those multitudes are me now, but the gold shows through the cracks. And sometimes I fall to pieces.

I want to be someone strong; i want people to tell me the truth instead of hiding it for my wellbeing, I want to have a handle on my feelings and how I react, I want to say no when I need to, I want to stand up for others and protect them. I want to be someone sensitive. I want to understand others at their deepest level, I want to hold empathy and compassion for myself, I want to accept my feelings even when they make no sense.

I don’t want to fear abandonment anymore, I want to care for myself who still does.

I don’t want to hide away anymore, I want to be a safe place for myself who still does.

I want to be a safe place for those who have always been my place. I want to show them that I love them the way they need to be loved. I want to show them I’m listening, watching, remembering, and caring for them.

I know there's a gap between there and now. I feel the thoughts already – you're nothing, you’re useless, everyone secretly hates you, loving you is impossible. I feel the past weighing heavy on my shoulders. Every mistake and every relationship gone wrong, my part in every dynamic. Everything I should have done, everything wrong I did.

I know I'm trying hard to fill in that gap. Doing this, writing this, is my act of trying. Listening outside and inside and remaining calm and staring at the painful knot. What would they say about me? What do they think about me? Do I have the courage to ask? Knowing that where I am now isn’t bad, even if I am trying to get somewhere else. Feeling the pain and the shame and trying to tell them we have done nothing wrong, that our feelings aren’t too much, that some people love us truly now. Staring at far away goals and taking a single step.

You say loving me is easy, but life has ups and downs. That it hurts to be unable to help, that it hurts when I’m so deep in pain I can’t feel your trust or your love. That it hurt when I pushed you away and withdrew deeper. That it is wonderful when I come closer. That it is wonderful when I am happy, when I am sad, when I am angry.

Loving you is a journey we walk together.